Worthless
by stargazerneddy
Summary: Callie can't shake the feeling that her life doesn't have value. Takes place right after 5-2


Hi everyone! This is my first attempt at fanfiction, but I'm having a hard time waiting between episodes, so I decided to write something to tide myself over. This takes place pretty much immediately following 5-2. Hope you like it!

And I don't own the Fosters. Obviously.

Callie was glad to have her room to herself for the moment. She loved sharing with Marianna, but she needed a minute alone to pull herself together. The conversation with her moms and Robert had tired her out. She lay down on her bed, grateful for the familiar creaking of the mattress. She remembered when the Fosters had bought her this bed, when they decided to keep her and Jude long-term. Every time she'd been pulled out of there—when she went to Juvie, when the Fosters lost their license—she had longed to return to this bed. And this time was no different. Even though she'd been with Russell for less than a day, she still remembered the feeling of that dirty motel mattress under her. She remembered sitting on it, wondering what would happen to her in that room, on that bed…

She knew Stef was right. She was being reckless and stupid. She'd been so sure she was going to jail that she'd let herself get wrapped up in something even worse. It wasn't the first time. But she wanted to do better. Everyday she promised herself she would stop getting into trouble and really focus on the future, but it was so hard to believe that a person like her would even have a future. She'd spent so much of her life surviving and now she was just supposed to get over it and apply for college? It wasn't that easy.

There was a knock on the door and Callie sat up, wiping a hasty hand over the tear she hadn't realized had crept its way down her cheek.

"Come in." She called to whoever it was.

To her surprise, when the door opened she saw Jude standing on the other side. She hadn't spent much time with him lately, so often they seemed to be caught up in their own worlds, but she was glad to see him now. She patted the bed beside her and he came over, closing the door behind him.

"Hey, buddy." She said, putting an arm around his shoulder just like she had when he was little. He felt different than he used to. He was broader and had those gangly angles of a teenager whose limbs grew too fast. "What's up?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to talk." Looking in his eyes, Callie could tell something was wrong. She'd always been able to read his expression better than anyone. Even before their mom died she could just look at his face and know what he was thinking.

"What happened?" She asked him. "Is it something with Noah?"

"No." He responded, looking down at his hands.

"Jude. Tell me. What is it?"

"It's just…" He looked so young in that moment. So much like he had when they first came to the Fosters. Young and alone and afraid. "Did anything happen to you? When you were with that guy at the hotel?"

Callie sighed. She knew everything they'd gone through had affected Jude just as much as her, even though she'd born the brunt of it. Just because she was the one being hit didn't mean watching her get hit was any less traumatic. Callie had always kept Jude physically safe, but emotionally was another story.

"No, baby. They put some makeup on me. That's it. I promise."

Jude nodded. "I just wasn't sure if you didn't want to tell moms. You've kept stuff like that a secret before."

Callie put a finger under Jude's chin and lifted his face so his eyes finally met hers. "I'm completely fine. But you're a really good brother for asking me."

Whatever dam Jude had constructed inside himself opened and he started to cry. He put his arms around Callie and rested his head on her shoulder. "I was so worried about you." He told her, and she hated herself for making him feel that way. Again.

They stayed like that for a while. If it hadn't been for how long Jude's arms had grown, it could have been any of the other times in their lives when they had sat like this. After beatings, or even just shouting matches. After leaving homes where they felt safe, for reasons that were never really explained. Or sometimes just because they missed their mom.

After a few minutes, they parted, catching their breath and wiping tears from their eyes. It felt good to have this relationship back. Callie hadn't realized how much she'd missed it.

"Do you ever think about Mr. Pearson?" Jude asked her.

Callie tensed. Mr. Pearson had been their last foster father before they'd come here. He was the one who landed Callie in Juvie the first time. He was the one who killed Jack.

"I try not to. Why? Do you?"

Jude hesitated. He looked uncomfortable. Callie put a hand over his, where it rested on the bed between them. He should be able to talk about this. They both should.

"Sometimes I dream about him." Callie wasn't surprised by this. She'd had a few dreams about him herself.

"But you know he can't hurt you anymore, right? He's in jail now."

"I know. And I never dream about him hurting me. Sometimes it's Jack. But usually it's you. And he's hitting you and I want to go and save you but it's like I'm frozen. And then I can finally move and I run to you but before I can grab you, you disappear. And then Mr. Pearson looks at me and he just says, 'I told you so.'"

"I told you so? What does that mean?" Callie asked, genuinely confused.

Jude studied his hands, but pressed on. "Do you remember those things he used to say to you? You know, when he was drunk? When he'd hit you?"

Callie felt her face growing hot. Her throat felt tight. She didn't want to think about it.

"Uh huh." She managed.

"He used to say you were stupid and worthless and…" Jude pushed through even though his voice was wavering, "And how if he killed you no one would care."

"Yeah, I remember." Callie told him, wanting to be okay with the conversation, but also wanting him to stop talking.

"Well one time while you were in Juvie, he said that it worked. You were gone and nobody cared. And we were better off. And then he said, 'I told you so.'"

The words stung. Why was Jude telling her this? Didn't he know how much it would hurt her? Didn't he realize the nights when she sat up wondering whether he'd be better off if she really did just disappear?

His voice broke her out of her thoughts. "And I just wanted to say make sure… you know that's not true, right?"

Callie gave his hand a squeeze. "Course." She responded, although the word felt hollow and Jude knew it.

"I'm serious. And I don't just mean now with the Fosters and everybody. I mean even back then when it was just us. You were my whole world, Callie. You meant… you mean… everything to me. You kept me safe when no one else could or cared enough to try. And you did it even if it meant that you'd get hurt. And it seems like now that I'm safe you don't know how to… like… switch back. Like you can't remember how to take care of yourself anymore."

He had clearly been listening to their moms. He knew she was being reckless. She felt her heart break, just a little bit. "Jude, I—"

"No, listen. Because a lot of people told you a lot of stuff over the years about how you didn't matter. I heard them. So I understand why you have a hard time putting yourself first. And I'm telling you that you don't have to."

"What do you mean?" Callie asked, not sure where he was going with this.

"You can still put me first. But the thing I need from you right now is for you to be here. For you to be here and for you to be safe. Because I don't know what I'd do without you. I still need you, just as much as I did when we were little. So all you have to do is take care of me, until you can remember how to take care of yourself."

The words rushed out in one big tumble. For reasons Callie didn't fully understand, she could feel herself relaxing. This made sense.

"I know there are lots of people who love you now." He continued. "But I loved you first. So please don't leave me anymore."

They pulled each other close once again. Callie held him as tight as she could, realizing, not for the first time, that Jude was the only one who really knew what to say. He had been with her through everything, and he knew her better than she even knew herself. How could she have been so selfish to leave him alone?

"I'm sorry." She told him. "I'm so sorry, Jude."

They stayed like that until they both fell asleep cradled in each other's arms, just as they had so many nights before. Right before she drifted off, Callie promised to herself, once again, that she would do better. But this time she knew she could keep the promise because she wasn't doing it for herself, she was doing it for Jude.


End file.
